FUCK YOU 2009!

Fuck Strawberries

What is the deal with these? They’re clearly the most delicious fruit and yet the bigger they get the shittier they taste, I want a strawberry the size of a fucking orange and I want it to be delicious. Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges FYI.

Does the fact that I’m on an Indian reservation for thanksgiving blow anyone elses mind?

Super Mario Kart comes to VC

Finally, after years of waiting Mario Kart has come to VC on Wii. I used to rock the fuck out of this game back in my day, at one point I became so skilled I could fucking hit you with your own red shell. Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to the feather? It was one of the most versatile items available. Totally worth the purchase.

Porn is the new black.

Is is just me or does porn (art-core, soft-core, hard-core) seem to be making a full transition to being fully acceptable. Girls in porn (hard-core) are getting really attractive, even normal looking. And now art-core seems to be the flavor of the week with celebrities as well as  well known models going topless/bottomless. There’s a Simpsons episode where Marge talks about the transition of FOX to a hardcore porn channel coming so gradually that no one noticed. I think that’s exactly what’s happening and I love it.

Maybe I should back up here for a second. Let’s not call it porn, I’m not talking about things you wouldn’t even do to your greatest love, I’m talking friendly, harmless nudity. There are plenty of artsy sites that feature amazing naked women that aren’t done in an exploitive manner and I think I know why. Both “Suicide Girls” and “Gods Girls” were, to my knowledge, female start-ups. For one their business models are fucking amazing, think threadless.com only with naked pierced and tattooed chicks and you’ll know what I mean.

It’s not like society is breaking down or anything, I think we are finally just catching up to Europe. When I was in highschool that dude blew his brains out on live television around 3:30pm. Ever single channel showed his skull cave in from the buckshot, even I was disturbed. We have a propensity for showing violence and not nudity, that seems backwards to me, I love both (separate but equally) so why not go buck wild. It’s a fucking billion dollar industry and this is fucking America.

Troll 2 (best worst movie)

“Best Worst Movie” is the upcoming documentary on well…. the best worst movie; Troll 2. Not sure about a release yet but screenings are popping up around North America. Check it out if you can. Troll 2 is currently IMDB’s 85th worst film ever made, believe me, its much worse than that.

http://bestworstmovie.com/

Momma's Family (fucking sucks)

Mama’s Family

You know when your sick, as a child, and you have to stay home and think , “wow this will be great”, only to discover that staying home sick on the living room floor is a living nightmare. There you could have the choice of watching; Designing Woman (woman architects? please), The Andy Griffith Show, or the worst show ever; Mama’s Family. This is that story.

Mama’s Family was about a racist superlord named mama and her splinter cell white supremacists family that lived with her. She had a son, a retard older son and his slutty wife. They never left the house and would spend the whole episode walking up and down the stairs doing nothing. When was this show supposed to take place the 50’s? Honestly, I have no idea.

The best episode is when Mama takes in a homeless man. We (the audience) think that maybe she is going to hook up with him, but in reality she cleans him up and feeds him, after that she slit his throat and buries him in the dirt floor basement. It was a really weird episode in hindsight.

Games of the 16-bit kind

Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Baseketball (SNES)   

This game fucking sucked. My friend got it when he got a SNES, I think it was like 30 bucks, so he bought it… I just remember it looked like shit and had saw blades built into the basketball court. Basket Ball sucks to start with.    1 (out of 10)

Lester the Unlikely (SNES)

For his birthday a friend and I went to Toysrus to pick up NBA Jam, a game that was really hot at the time. Well I convinced him to buy this game instead. I had only seen pictures of it in the past and I could have totally been a waste of 45/50 dollars. Turned out to be pretty cool.   7 1/2 (out of 10)

Rocket Knight Adventures (SEGA GENESIS)

Back in the day side scrolling platformers were the hot shit. Something that has for some reason fallen out of fashion. This rare ass game was fucking rad. First, notice how cool the “extreme” factor is for kid. You play an armadillo in a suit of armor with a jetpack and sword. Did a retarded mongolian think that up, how amazing. Next you fight pigs, that have giant war machines, robots etc. I haven’t thought about this game for about 12 years so my review should still be air tight. If I can remember you could fly across the screen with your get pack and kill things with your swords. I remember liking it alot and listen to Black Sabbath while playing it. The game is getting revamped for XBOX live.    8 (out of 10)

Splatterhouse ( Turbo Grafx 16)

Fucking awesome. Chainsaw wielding maniacs with bags over their heads. Shotguns, a hockey mask and shit like that. This game used to give me nightmares years ago and was so fun, and nostalgic that I had to buy the system and game again a few years ago. It was so fucking ahead of it’s time for gore and violence, its still is fucking rad. You play a dude looking for his girlfriend that got kidnapped by monsters, trust me buddy, she ain’t worth it, she will probably cheat on you with one of them, your main weapon is, get this.. a 2x4. You swing it like nobody’s business, turning monsters into piles of goo that will burn you if you don’t jump over them. Fuck, this game is awesome. I think I might bust out the TG-16 and play some.    10 (out of 10)

Bleeding proves I'm alive

Not sure if its medication, dryness or something errily biblical but I constantly get nose bleed. I have for about ten years. There is something about them, I almost enjoy them but at the same time they panic me. We’re not talking about a drip here, were talking serious flow action. I figure at the rate my nose bleed, I could bleed out approximately a 1/2 cups worth in under a minute.

Seeing the life literally drain out from my body has always freaked me out and a nose bleed is no different. I passed out getting a blood test once. I remember seeing the dark, almost black un-oxidized blood swirling around the test time draining out of the arm and the blackness. I thought I was dead. A heads up, death/nothingness is very peaceful.

Tokyo Nightlife- Scum and Villiany

The smell of baked goods in the air, mashing up with sewer, sushi and dampness. Tokyo has distinct traits about itself, simply walking into the airport in Tokyo you can smell and feel that you’re in japan. It’s beautiful, other aspects quality remain up in the air.
So we are partying in this night club, dancing, mostly with other drunks, lots of dudes, lots of black people working in this bar, lots of douches. What the fuck is wrong with this bar, this bar kinda sucks, I’m having fun, but this bar is pretty crap. Thanks one more vodka tonic OK, I’m drunk, lets do this. Look at me I’m standing and dancing on the booth. I’m having a ton of fun now. FUCKING TOKYO IS AWSOME. Wait a minute…. Indian dwarf on the dance floor? I’m in non-sexual love.

Crapformers- crappy toy in disguise!

So I’m talking to optomus prime and he says, “dude you should totally come to earth” you should fly over here and party. Babes be trippin” So I think to myself, you know, I could use a change. So I get over to earth and see this thing, apparently it’s called a “space shuttle” . Wanting to be low profile I totally make myself look like this common vehicle. Oh, I also saw this thing called a “bird”. BRAIN BONER! I will combine the bird and space shuttle, I never really wanted to have arms so I was set.

Now in all seriousness, I had this toy as a child, I was a stupid stupid child, I thought it was rad at some point, but in retrospect, this thing sucks. First off its so unrealistic that even I’m embarrassed. I mean a robotic space shuttle bird, I don’t understand what they are going for here. Also it had a wind up base that would transport it around. Anyone remember how shitty wind up stuff was in the 80’s. Remember those shitty little white knobs, and that plasticy grinding sound it would make. Even a child has enough torque to make sure every wind up toy they will ever have (in the 80’s ) will fucking break. The base turned into a gorilla I believe and would walk around too. But frankly I really hate this article now. I’m stoppingggggggggg
now.

District 9

I used to love movies, I went to film school, I’ve most likely spent a year or more in front of the screen watching films of all levels of quality. Recently, the film industry has taken a giant shit on us. The films released the past couple of years (minus a few) are utter garbage. With heavy saturation of style of substance, films are getting shittier and shittier, and audiences are getting dumber. It’s imperative in this shit-filled time that you hold on to quality like a fatty to frosting.

District 9 has been a long time in the making, freshman director Neil Blomkap, was originally tapped to make the multi-million HALO film a reality, but as Hollywood does, it took a shit deciding we needed another twilight and more Saws, project scraped forever. Then like a beacon of hope Peter Jackson flew down from his pile of money and produced Blomkap’s pet project; and District 9 was born.

I’ve watched the film about four or five times, aside from a rich story, great cinematography and acting the film successfully merges two distinct types of story telling into a fucking amazing, blood soaked, action-fest. Heavily using a faux-documentary storytelling, newscasts and security camera feeds the story is told realistically. No bullshit effects for the sake of effects, no recognizable actors, the film comes off as possible and plausible.

Coming out on Blu-ray Dec 22nd the disc will make a perfect holiday addition to anyone’s pile of consumerism. If you don’t like the movie you area fucking retard, it’s a perfect film filled with realistic romance, humor and heavy violence.