Tree of Life- A review in words

If you don’t know who Terrence Malick is you might not like Tree of Life.

If you are a simpleton dunderhead that doesn’t understand non-narrative storytelling, you will not like Tree of Life.

If you are a moron that cannot assemble a story based on visual cues, you may not like Tree of Life.

If you’re a fucking idiot, that cannot piece together a narrative story, based on; visual cues, emotion, score, tone, visual imagery and your own brain filling in blanks or giving you hints into what might be happening on the screen. Then please don’t see this movie because it’s for people that can relax and think without tits and explosions on the screen every three minutes.

I love tits and explosions on screen, but sometimes seeing a work on art on screen beats your linear storyline about robots, or romantic comedy no. 14,239.

You should go see Tree of Life and if you “don’t get it” you should start a dialog with someone. People used to do that you know? If you simply don’t like it because you secretly, insecurely didn’t get it but don’t want to ask “hey, what’s the deal with that” You’re a fucking idiot. Ignorance isn’t a bad thing, you simply don’t know, but not trying to figure things out, discuss, learn is unacceptable.

Have you ever listened to a song, smelled something, ate something and it triggered an emotional response? This movie does the same thing, visually. People want their robot-explosion-tits so badly they’ve forgotten how to thing about cinema and that’s horrible.

Groove Armada: Black Light

Incredible. One of those rare albums that nearly every track is perfect from the first listen. A friend had been telling me about this album for over a year and finally having actually paid for it, it’s worth every penny. This is one of those few examples of music worth paying for.

(Verdict: Actually pay for music, buy this album)

Duke Nukem Forever/ This review took 14 years

GODAMN, what is with all the stuff I’m excited about turning out to be shitty. Well, this isn’t much of a shock, but the game wasn’t that good. I’m still really glad I got to play though it, and the IP is still well worth keeping alive, but honestly you could feel that parts that original developer 3D Realms had a hand in and other super lazy parts that must have been patched up. I still love you Duke, but this game is well worthy of a $25 price tag.

(Verdict: C+)

A “C” is completely average, not bad, just average and I like above average things. I have a cobra belt from Thailand for example.

Tembo Trunks: They Suck dick!

A few months ago I came across a kickstarter project that I found incredible. A simple, rubber cone that when you plug your iPod/ iPhone earbuds into claimed it could boost them by 80db. I thought, “man, these would be great for the beach, for backpacking, for travel, for $40”. What happened next sucked dick.

I’d basically forgotten about my purchase, months later a package arrived at my door. It was my Tembo Trunks! Oh man, super excited I razor bladed that shit out of that box and ripped my new, electric blue rubber ipod speakers out of the box and hooked them up to my iPhone 4.

Being a total nerd I started playing a track, “standing by the shore” by Empire of the Sun. The iPhone 4 played it’s little heart out decent enough to pass shower noise or other minor fixes when I need to hear music. I snapped on the Tembo Trunks and to my, and most likely $88,321 worth of investors dismay the TEMBO TRUNKS SUCKED DICK. Not only was the amplification not as advertised, it was in fact quieter than my fucking onboard phone speakers. I went to school for film/ tv, I know all about marketing and advertising. In my opinion they well KNEW that people would not be happy with the final product, what they did was market something that was subpar. It’s nearly as loud as laying the earbuds on the table.

But maybe I didn’t do everything correctly? True, I didn’t, but then I did, I tested working earbuds on; iPhone 4, Ipod 30gb, a mini and an iMac. At no point, even with volume limiter settings off, never did I hear audible, clear, loud 80db music from these things. I was so happy to help fund and start a startup and receive an early run, but I can’t help but feel completely ripped off by two Australian sheilas…whatever that means.

Oh you, me. You’re such a negative asshole, surely people aren’t all sharing your views.

EXHIBIT A!!!

So I guess the lesson is, DON’T BUY TEMBO TRUNKS. Kickstarter is still a fantastic site, with a beautiful concept and a number of incredible projects happening. But honestly, I could not have been more disappointed by the results. I bought a sandwhich for $15 in Hollywood about a month ago and upon arriving home I found they’d forgotten the meat, that’s really bad, and yet, this somehow felt worse.

It was prosciutto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amsterdam/ POT AND PROSTITUTES on “the Cheap Route”

Amsterdam: Pot and Prostitution

Chungkin Mansions Review on “the Cheap Route”

Chungking Mansions, Hong Kong

“You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy” (Star Wars) than the Chungking Mansions in Hong Kong. I’d seen the film “Chungking Express” years prior and thought maybe the Chungking Mansions had an allure of charm, a sense of the city, a multicultural Mecca utopia perhaps? The first floor is all cell phone charging stands and ethnic food I couldn’t place…

Click through the photo for the full review!